Expectations In Love

When the new year began, we started our journey from creation towards destruction, in order to start the cycle all over again. As strange as it may seem, we started this new cycle in December at the winter solstice. The time of standstill to renewal, the winter solstice brings us to preparation for new life. In order to create new life, it is necessary for us to fall in love. Life is created from love. Sometimes the love is a bit twisted and we judge the life produced, for the way it was created, but, life requires a dynamic force which brings the sperm and egg together for its existence. The same as in nature, life requires struggle and rutting to force truth out of chaos in the first stage of love itself.

Most of us seek an emotional bond that we feel will give us a sense of wholeness. In the arena of public opinion displayed in the social media, we have many and varying ideas of how we should love, how a man should treat a woman and so on. We are in a time where we put our laundry, clean or dirty out in the world of public opinion and we hope that someone will sympathize with us and our dis-satisfaction will be satiated because our views have been heard.

Love is a powerful force in the universe and within ourselves, of course we know that. But we certainly have strange expectations when we fall in love. Most of us fall in lust. It is not a bad thing to fall in lust. Lust provide us with the thing we are missing, a closeness to ourselves which we are unable to generate. We mistake lust for love, writing beautiful poems to our lover, today, expressing our private moments and parts on the public arena in order to attract the object of our lustful desire. Lust does not work to get us what we want, though. It cannot. Lust is like a lit matchstick. It burns down quickly. Soon the fire is extinguished burning our fingers in the process, causing us to drop the matchstick. It is impossible to maintain a relationship on lust alone.

A loving relationship endures, like the light of a campfire or the christmas fire which, if carefully fed, over time will continue to burn and keep both people in the relationship warm for years to come. This fire has to be carefully tended. Too much fuel and it becomes destructive. What I mean is that if we are afraid of losing the love we have, and we put too much emphasis on being together, or we sacrifice our own light for the other, this love will burn up quickly. When we expect passions to burn every day, we will soon force the fire to extinguish itself by running out of passion. (We run out of ideas.) We end up feeling neglected and we fall out of the embrace of a relationship we worked so hard to cultivate. If we forget to add fuel to the fire, it will burn down and soon there is nothing but the ashes of an exhausted love affair. This is why many go outside the relationship seeking attention. Because the expectation of what love is supposed to be has not been met, the disappointment pushed them out of the circle of their love fire where they end up feeling cold and alone. This place is where affairs of the body, mind and spirit occurs.

Love is a simple multiplication equation. 1 x 1 = 1.

We do not need someone to complete us. Because a broken heart in a relationship added to another broken heart will become two broken hearts in a broken relationship. Broken hearts do not mend each other. It is impossible. Broken hearts attract lust, the fire that burns up and is quickly extinguished. To find the love that is whole, one must first find wholeness within oneself. That wholeness will attract a whole heart to us which requires nothing but the freedom to express the beauty of love. Passions will burn. The fire will be self-nurturing, with a little something-something to keep it going. The couples who stay together for sixty and eighty years know this. They are each committed to themselves. They know that in order for their love to endure they need to tend their own hearts, carefully.

Falling In Love
You begin your love affair with the first meeting. This experience has a magnetic force that is inexplicable. You cannot help yourself. You need to touch each other and conversation is near to impossible to end. You look through each other’s eyes into the other’s soul. The passion is impossible to resist. You spend as much time as you can muster in each other’s arms. You fall into the irresistible magnetic attraction.

The Union
The need to be in each other’ embrace cause you to move in together. You leave everything you have ever known. You rush into each other’s arms and homes. Whether you like football or not you decide to like what he likes. You endure her friends. You carry her purse. You sacrifice some of your needs and desires because this is what you have been taught. All over the media and in popular songs you are told that you must sacrifice for the one you love. You learn to cook. Until the seven-year-itch occurs. It is not really a specific period of time. Each of us is different. We all have our breaking point.

The Betrayal
This is the point where you become bored. You convince yourself that you are not getting what you need from your partner and you look outside of the relationship for the fire you encountered in the relationship at the beginning. You have the affair. The challenge is that if you were not whole in the relationship to begin with, try as you may, you will not find wholeness on the outside. It is necessary to work on your wholeness while you have the protection of an embracing force. It is really a good time to work on who you are and try to break old outmoded thought patterns and behaviours while in the relationship. If you do not, the love you have found will lead to disappointment and feelings of betrayal.

The Mending
A moment of infidelity does not a relationship break. However, if you are still carrying the pain from a father who betrayed and abandoned you, that you have not completely resolved, you will end up breaking. The relationship will break. Most of us run away because the pain is too great, the love we thought we found, is left in shattered pieces at our feet. Is it possible to mend such a painful shambles? I say yes. The first thing we do is look at our self. Ask, Why is this repeating in our life again? When we are courageous enough to ask the question and stand up to hear the truth in the answer, we are on the road to healing. Love is not a magic fire that will burn without tending. It is a force that needs feeding from within ourselves. In the mending, we let go of preconceived notions of what love is. We release the need for the other to sacrifice themselves for us as we release our need to be self-sacrificing. We find respect, strength and a stedfast belief in yourself. This will pour out into the union that we have fought to keep alive.

The Forever In Love
This is the time where we release our fear of being alone. This cause us to lock in with each other. We open our self to reside in the soul of your lover. At this time we will not fear abandonment or betrayal. But if such feelings surface, we work through it together. This is the time where we are able to stand toes to toes; nose to nose and look in each other’s eyes. We look to see our reflection in the other’s eyes. If we are afraid to see, we are not mended. It means that we do not trust our self as yet. It means that we are afraid of intimacy.


It means that we are able to be the mirror, through which our lover can see him or her self reflected in our own eyes. This is the place where good, bad or indifferent, we are comfortable with the reflection we see within.

Happy Valentines

2 thoughts on “Expectations In Love

  1. Yasmin

    I liked the article very much..especially the part about two broken hearts coming together…forming a broken relationship!

  2. Amy

    i really needed to read this tonight. I wish Todd was able to understand and stop running but that is his journey. I’m getting happier every day that I am me. Love you dear friend


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