Tag Archives: healing

Dealing With The Contradictions Of Life

Life is contrary. We see lots of positivities around us, but then the good is oftentimes defused by random negative acts of people in turmoil. It is easy for us to turn on one another in hate because this is instinctively what a wounded, frightened creature does. We are told many times that love is the only way to heal and defuse pain. But how do we reconcile the love idea when we so deeply feel the fearful events occurring in our world. Lives are being forfeited in attacks of violence all over the world. Will we move into WWIII? Whole countries are being wiped out by environmental influences. It seems as if we are being pushed towards a seeming inevitability. It is like having our feet on the brakes but someone in a vehicle bigger than ours is pushing us towards the precipice and there seems to be nothing we can do about it, because we are locked in our car of fate, our feet locked on the brake.

While all the negativity is going on in the world, we also see its contrast. We see the beauty of a service member rush to put out a fire, save a child, support a senior. We see them, wrapped in the shield of power use their power to make the lives of their fellow humans better. And then we see them use the shield of power to expose their own anger and rage against anyone they perceive to be powerless and weak. Or represent the face or body type of one whom they were taught to fear thus hate.

Most of us choose jobs based on childhood experiences. We choose to protect, save, and feed; we become advocates for the weak and needy, because in our childhood, we were abused, misunderstood, shunned, and unheard. In our adult years we try to shift the wrong that was done to us, by trying to help others. The problem is that if we have not resolved the past pain, we will do to others, what was done to us in the past. It takes a strong individual to look in the face of his past, shift and transmute the pain to help others heal, without transferring his pain and anger onto them. Even to the surrendering of their life, a person lives their childhood story and without thought for self, instinctively face down the harbingers of malevolent behaviour. In this act of selflessness, our heroes faced the demons within themselves which opened them up to their highest good. This is not to say that we need to go out there and sacrifice our lives or challenge the horrors of the world.

What I mean is that if we can realize that the world is made up of people, it may force the human members of such organizations to empathize and put themselves in the shoes of their victims and their families. I still expect and beyond hope for peace on our planet. That is the only way we will heal global warming, injustice, and cruelty. When we are no longer making ourselves wrong, we can stop making others wrong, and then we will see the beauty emitted from ourselves reflected through the eyes of each and every person we meet.

Embrace The Energy Of The Phoenix

As we slide towards 2017 and reflect on the old year, many of us fell, hard. We fell to health challenges, work stress, and even confusion about our spiritual purpose. Because of our fall some have fallen prey to drug abuse, with many deaths occurring in large cities which can be scary to observe. The reason, I think why so many of us are giving up on life is because we choose to follow the examples of people who may or may not have followed their own rules. Yes, we all have fallen, but we have not given ourselves the opportunity to recover before we got back into the game; because we are afraid of being seen as a loser, called lazy, unmotivated and unsuccessful.


We all want to be seen as successful, but we are afraid of the wages of success, but there is a season for everything.

The time of the idea, the beginning.
The time for implementing the idea.
The time of the maturation of the idea.
And the time of stillness as your idea takes shape. This is the time that we fear most, the still time where we wait for our idea and dreams to come into form.

We tend to feel that we have to do something. Relationships are the most scary for experiencing this. Most of us want our relationship to be constantly on the go. We are afraid of the still time, the becoming time because we believe that our lover may lose interest. We are always in a relationship with someone who resinate at the same vibration as we do. So if we are afraid, our lover is also afraid. Our courage is carried by our lover and so is our passion, joy and self-doubt.

In this New Year, it is good to make a commitment to yourself, stay down to perk up. When you feel depressed, sit within the feelings. Allow the scum of despair to surface so you can look at it. You will be the better for it. The boxer who have been knocked down, his manager yells for him to stay down, the referee does a count, these help the boxer to catch his breath and get back into the game. Our phoenix, after falling, stays in the fire and reflects on her life while the embers turned to ashes. Then when she has built her energy, she rose again more splendid and beautiful than before. She fell many times and becomes better than before, each time.

Have you fallen? Did you get up before you had the energy to tackle life again? Give me a call or drop me an email and I will help you gain perspective on the story you are experiencing.

Easter 2016

Good Friday A Day For Sacrifice

I grew up with Good Friday. I cannot say that Good Friday for me was a day for celebration, because I was an impressionable child and I read a lot. My knowledge of the world came from books. I was brought up to believe that Good Friday was a day for sacrifice and the ultimate sacrifice was the man who carried his own cross to the hill of Calvary. The story filled me with dread because of the excessive violence and I saw the parallels to my own life. I could see why people saw the crucifixion story as a story of courage and perseverance. If one was suffering, it was good to see that a God suffered alongside us. That we are not alone. If the great and powerful God could go through such suffering for us then we can endure the little bit of pain we were experiencing.

While I understood the idea of Gods suffering for us. I did not buy into it. I asked, if god was so powerful, why was he so powerless in the face of the Romans? I got a scuff at the back of the head in response. They did not know, so they could not explain it to me.

We obediently followed the symbols, ceremoniously not lighting the fire until noon which was when Christ supposedly died. We were told it would burn his body and cause more pain. It was good for us kids as we got to drink soda, something we did not have very often. Cola Champagne, coco cola, and Ting, a grapefruit pop. We ate easter bun and  cheese from the yellow and red tin. We went to church. My imagination opened in frightful ways, imagining the man Jesus forced to drag the heavy cross after he had been tortured, along the dusty road struggling to stay upright, people yelling at him, the Romans beating and prodding him, the crown of thorns jammed onto this head hurting him as he struggled the dusty road up the hill to his eventual demise. It was like our grandmother sending us to cut the switch she would use to beat us. We had to carry the tool of our own punishment to the executioner.

I imagined Jesus laying down for the soldiers to hammer the large rusty nails into his hands and then his feet. I imagined the weight of his body pulling on the nails as the cross was being lifted, blood dripping baptizing the ones with the job of raising the cross. I imagined the extreme pain he would have experienced. While there on the cross Jesus forgave his torturers. I imagined, with extreme dread his mother and disciples standing helplessly trying to save their own lives, watched as his essence drained away in the blood dripping from his hands and feet. I imagined the people fearfully repenting their decision to send Jesus to the cross and them screaming for him to get off the cross. You have done all these miracles, you brought the dead from the grave, save yourself. Yes, I wondered why did Jesus not save himself, if he was so powerful. I had no answer. I imagined the earthquake when Jesus died and the sound of the curtains in the temple rending with a terrible sound that echoed around the area and the dead raising up to walk the street. I wonder if that is where zombies came from? My little mind was filled with questions and no answers. So I turned to observe the people around me. The ones who touted the story, justifying the glory of violence as the end to the means of making our lives better. I watched closely. I paid attention. But to no avail. I did not see the purpose to the violence that they sold.

I enjoyed the treats, though. I liked stories so I took in the storytelling. I eventually saw it as stories, because the people who were abusing us were not changed by the blood of christ nor did they seem to recognize the sacrifice that was made for them. Or at least I don’t think they seemed grateful enough to change their ways and become more giving and kind. I figured that Jesus failed in his mission, poor Sod.

Today, I see Good Friday as a symbol of our personal crucifixion. The pain we cause ourselves out of guilt and a sense of obligation to someone else’s expectation. People hooked on drugs and going through their own self-imposed crucifixion. People locked in mental and emotional disease have thrown themselves into their own moment on the cross.  Will they die? If they die, will the evidence that they existed be there, except for the knowledge of their existence to the people close to them?  Did Jesus die in vain? Are we continuing along the path to calvary, carrying our own cross to prove that we are worthy of life? It was already done. Jesus made the sacrifice. He needs us to live to find peace and forgive ourselves for what we feel we did wrong.

Good Friday to me is the end of the beginning. It is the completion of a cycle of pain and self-negation. Each day when we wake up in anger, in self-doubt, in self-hate, we deny the magic of our own inner child’s sacrifice for our own salvation. Find the way to create peace within your self and allow the healing to begin today, this Good Friday, a day of symbolic sacrifice.


Sonia Nadina Haynes, life coach and emotional healer. Her intention is to assist you to live your life well. www.soniahaynes.com


Expectations In Love

When the new year began, we started our journey from creation towards destruction, in order to start the cycle all over again. As strange as it may seem, we started this new cycle in December at the winter solstice. The time of standstill to renewal, the winter solstice brings us to preparation for new life. In order to create new life, it is necessary for us to fall in love. Life is created from love. Sometimes the love is a bit twisted and we judge the life produced, for the way it was created, but, life requires a dynamic force which brings the sperm and egg together for its existence. The same as in nature, life requires struggle and rutting to force truth out of chaos in the first stage of love itself.

Most of us seek an emotional bond that we feel will give us a sense of wholeness. In the arena of public opinion displayed in the social media, we have many and varying ideas of how we should love, how a man should treat a woman and so on. We are in a time where we put our laundry, clean or dirty out in the world of public opinion and we hope that someone will sympathize with us and our dis-satisfaction will be satiated because our views have been heard.

Love is a powerful force in the universe and within ourselves, of course we know that. But we certainly have strange expectations when we fall in love. Most of us fall in lust. It is not a bad thing to fall in lust. Lust provide us with the thing we are missing, a closeness to ourselves which we are unable to generate. We mistake lust for love, writing beautiful poems to our lover, today, expressing our private moments and parts on the public arena in order to attract the object of our lustful desire. Lust does not work to get us what we want, though. It cannot. Lust is like a lit matchstick. It burns down quickly. Soon the fire is extinguished burning our fingers in the process, causing us to drop the matchstick. It is impossible to maintain a relationship on lust alone.

A loving relationship endures, like the light of a campfire or the christmas fire which, if carefully fed, over time will continue to burn and keep both people in the relationship warm for years to come. This fire has to be carefully tended. Too much fuel and it becomes destructive. What I mean is that if we are afraid of losing the love we have, and we put too much emphasis on being together, or we sacrifice our own light for the other, this love will burn up quickly. When we expect passions to burn every day, we will soon force the fire to extinguish itself by running out of passion. (We run out of ideas.) We end up feeling neglected and we fall out of the embrace of a relationship we worked so hard to cultivate. If we forget to add fuel to the fire, it will burn down and soon there is nothing but the ashes of an exhausted love affair. This is why many go outside the relationship seeking attention. Because the expectation of what love is supposed to be has not been met, the disappointment pushed them out of the circle of their love fire where they end up feeling cold and alone. This place is where affairs of the body, mind and spirit occurs.

Love is a simple multiplication equation. 1 x 1 = 1.

We do not need someone to complete us. Because a broken heart in a relationship added to another broken heart will become two broken hearts in a broken relationship. Broken hearts do not mend each other. It is impossible. Broken hearts attract lust, the fire that burns up and is quickly extinguished. To find the love that is whole, one must first find wholeness within oneself. That wholeness will attract a whole heart to us which requires nothing but the freedom to express the beauty of love. Passions will burn. The fire will be self-nurturing, with a little something-something to keep it going. The couples who stay together for sixty and eighty years know this. They are each committed to themselves. They know that in order for their love to endure they need to tend their own hearts, carefully.

Falling In Love
You begin your love affair with the first meeting. This experience has a magnetic force that is inexplicable. You cannot help yourself. You need to touch each other and conversation is near to impossible to end. You look through each other’s eyes into the other’s soul. The passion is impossible to resist. You spend as much time as you can muster in each other’s arms. You fall into the irresistible magnetic attraction.

The Union
The need to be in each other’ embrace cause you to move in together. You leave everything you have ever known. You rush into each other’s arms and homes. Whether you like football or not you decide to like what he likes. You endure her friends. You carry her purse. You sacrifice some of your needs and desires because this is what you have been taught. All over the media and in popular songs you are told that you must sacrifice for the one you love. You learn to cook. Until the seven-year-itch occurs. It is not really a specific period of time. Each of us is different. We all have our breaking point.

The Betrayal
This is the point where you become bored. You convince yourself that you are not getting what you need from your partner and you look outside of the relationship for the fire you encountered in the relationship at the beginning. You have the affair. The challenge is that if you were not whole in the relationship to begin with, try as you may, you will not find wholeness on the outside. It is necessary to work on your wholeness while you have the protection of an embracing force. It is really a good time to work on who you are and try to break old outmoded thought patterns and behaviours while in the relationship. If you do not, the love you have found will lead to disappointment and feelings of betrayal.

The Mending
A moment of infidelity does not a relationship break. However, if you are still carrying the pain from a father who betrayed and abandoned you, that you have not completely resolved, you will end up breaking. The relationship will break. Most of us run away because the pain is too great, the love we thought we found, is left in shattered pieces at our feet. Is it possible to mend such a painful shambles? I say yes. The first thing we do is look at our self. Ask, Why is this repeating in our life again? When we are courageous enough to ask the question and stand up to hear the truth in the answer, we are on the road to healing. Love is not a magic fire that will burn without tending. It is a force that needs feeding from within ourselves. In the mending, we let go of preconceived notions of what love is. We release the need for the other to sacrifice themselves for us as we release our need to be self-sacrificing. We find respect, strength and a stedfast belief in yourself. This will pour out into the union that we have fought to keep alive.

The Forever In Love
This is the time where we release our fear of being alone. This cause us to lock in with each other. We open our self to reside in the soul of your lover. At this time we will not fear abandonment or betrayal. But if such feelings surface, we work through it together. This is the time where we are able to stand toes to toes; nose to nose and look in each other’s eyes. We look to see our reflection in the other’s eyes. If we are afraid to see, we are not mended. It means that we do not trust our self as yet. It means that we are afraid of intimacy.


It means that we are able to be the mirror, through which our lover can see him or her self reflected in our own eyes. This is the place where good, bad or indifferent, we are comfortable with the reflection we see within.

Happy Valentines